In Too Deep
by VisualIDentificationZeta
Summary: Jack/Kerry, Jack/Sam UST. SUMMARY: When you're in too deep, you have to find a way out. But what if the other person wants to get out too, just from a different predicament? A rewrite of Threads.
1. Chapter 1

TITLE: In Too Deep

AUTHOR: Vid Z.

PAIRING: Jack/Sam UST, Jack/Kerry

TIMELINE: Threads

DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc of the TV show Stargate: SG-1 are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fic. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: come on, guys, review if you read. Should I even continue?

SUMMARY: When you're in too deep, you have to find a way out. But what if the other person wants to get out too, just from a different predicament? A rewrite of Threads.

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Daniel walked silently through the quiet house, hearing only the creaking of wood as it cooled off and the chirping of the crickets outside.

It wasn't his house, but he was no burglar.

In fact, the owner of the house was a close friend of his, the best one actually. They'd known each other for almost a decade by now, save a few times Daniel had been dead.

Like right now, actually.

That's why he wasn't a burglar. Hard to charge someone who's dead...

Normally this would've been creepy, sneaking around someone else's home at night, but the next few days would be hard and trying and he needed a reminder who would die if he just gave in.

He walked through the door, literally, without stopping.

He knew he wouldn't be interrupting Jack with anyone, the man'd been a completely asexual monk ever since he'd known him. The only time Daniel knew Jack had had sex after the two men had met had been when Jack had been drugged and date-raped by Kynthia. Who then gave him an STD, because of which Jack had aged rapidly into an old man and had almost died.

NOT the best way to break up a dry spell...

Stepping into the room he was stopped dead, okay dead_er_, since he was already dead, by the most unexpected sight ever.

Jack was in bed, but he wasn't alone.

Fearful, Daniel squinted and was relieved it wasn't a blond head sharing Jack's pillow. He knew what having sex without permission of superiors would've done to Sam and Jack's careers, and Daniel had always been quite aware just how much her career meant to Sam, factually more than Jack; but he was just as much glad Jack hadn't lowered himself to the position of being "the other man". Jack deserved much better than being a second choice, fallback guy or even a rebound for Carter. Besides, having sex with the same woman who'd had sex with another man just an hour or a day before was just repulsive.

It was just totally wrong, not to mention distasteful and definitely not something any self-respecting and proud man, which Jack definitely was, would ever agree to.

Instead there was a red-haired head and the way these two were clinging to each other, they not only shared heat, but air too.

But that wasn't what had surprised and shocked Daniel the most.

The reason for his open-mouthed stupefaction was something else.

Not once in almost 9 years had Daniel seen it.

Not once since he'd known Jack had Daniel ever seen Jack happy or smiling.

And yet there it was, right there, right now.

The so obvious curve to Jack's lips as he held this woman Daniel didn't know so closely in his arms.

Not the grouchy line like when he made a sarcastic comment or the I-know-something-you-don't smile Jack, to Daniel's bewilderment, had so often.

No, this was a full-fledged, prime-category smile of happiness.

Shaking his head in disbelief at the woman who'd made Jack happy for the first time he'd known him Daniel thanked her silently for making his friend happy.

Feeling like a voyeur Daniel then turned into a glowbug and left the house.

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	2. Chapter 2

Come on, guys, review!

I'm giving you such nice, long chapters, the least you can do is leave a review. It even takes you less time than it takes me to post an update. Thanks to LadyMo and RoczaDeb for their reviews, you other 266 who read but didn't review, should be ashamed.

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Keeping one arm around the woman leaning into his side, Jack's mind was a mess of confusion.

Jack didn't like confusion.

Especially not in his mind.

Which is why the conflicting emotions shooting through him like sparks in an engine weren't really all that welcome.

He just didn't know how to kick their asses.

On one hand he had in his arms, after all too many years, the woman he'd been loving for years.

But on the other hand, this woman was engaged to be married within a week and he'd just been dumped by only the second woman he'd made a real, determined move on in... erm... about 30 years, now, ever since he and Sara had first started dating, if you count Sara in too.

Wow, 30 years. Since that day in the store when he'd met the young, blushing blonde who'd been eyeing him with infatuated eyes, Jack had come within a grabbing distance of happiness, after having divorced Sara, only two times, with Laira and Kerry..

The three months stuck on that planet had been too little for him to forget Earth and Sam, in order to let go of the only thing still holding him back. But it had still been a chance for happiness and Laira had been his age and he knew she'd wanted more children.

Another month or two of being stranded there and he knew he would've been then working on those children with her. He'd been so close to letting go and having another chance at life and family and having finally found life of peace and tranquility after a lifetime of killing, dying and suffering that it was no wonder he'd been less than enthusiastic about the arrival of SG-1. Having to leave the life he'd gotten accustomed to and begun to like had been hard, especially since he'd had to give up again the chance at happiness and go back to again having quiet, secret inappropriate feelings for his 2IC. Who was completely oblivious to them and Jack knew she wouldn't have approved had she known because they were against the regs.

She would've been horrified to know her CO had inappropriate feelings for her and Jack feared she would've been repulsed to know an older man wanted her.

He'd also always somehow known nothing would've ever happened between him and the blond Major. There were the regs, her career and the war, all good reasons for not getting involved.

Yet, he'd quickly forgotten that knowledge when Sam had confessed she'd cared for him, a year later, during their Za'tarc testing.

And then the hope had come to life in his heart, the hope of having a family and love once again.

Empty hope, he should've known better than to expect Sam to enter a relationship with him as long as they were in the same chain of command. She was a stickler for the rules. Whenever it fit her. And because of their qualifications they both knew they would've been in the same chain of command, the SGC, for many years to come. The command was too unique with too small a community, too secretive with too high clearance requirements to allow for normal rotation of personnel. You were there until you were either killed either turned into a host either crippled enough to be medically discharge or you retired.

Yet, he'd still hoped. He'd endured and continued hoping. Until she'd told him of the cop. In a damn ELEVATOR!

He respected Sam, but that was truly a callous and hurtful way of telling a man you know cares for you about you having sex with another man. By humming! Rubbing his face in the fact she'd gotten laid. And then even said "It's nothing serious, sir." which in his heartbroken and angry mind had translated into: "Oh, by the way, sir, I'm screwing another man. It's nothing big, I've just thrown away years of what you and I meant to each other out the window just for empty, meaningless sex."

'Threw away' because she knew that after she'd done that there would be no way Jack would forgive or forget it soon and therefore no realistic way of her and Jack getting together within foreseeable future if her relationship with Pete failed. Jack was the king of grudges and Sam had always known that. And this time he had not only been betrayed, but had also had his heart broken and his pride bruised, which put together was a terminal sentence to any chance for a relationship.

Yes, what he'd just said to her was true, he'd be there for her, but that didn't mean he would ever again be willing to enter into a relationship with her or let her get close enough again to cause him emotional pain.

He was a proud man and even if she broke up with Shanahan he would always have the bad feeling he was just a second chance, a safe bet, a fallback guy and no man, especially not a proud man, would want to be that to a woman.

Not after going through months of her dating and then being engaged to the cop. Not after seeing the way she liked to stare at her ring. Not after the way his heart had ripped when she'd first shown it to him and told him Pete had proposed to her. Not when Jack wasn't in the position to try to change her mind, considering he was her CO and she'd been dating another man for 6 months. Not after she'd told him she'd accepted the proposal.

That was the time he'd realized he couldn't go on like that, he had to move on, start living again and find happiness elsewhere. He had to let go of Sam... something he had never before expected he would have to do.

Which is where Kerry had come in. He now knew he'd been using her to let go of Carter and was deeply ashamed of it. He hadn't used a woman before in his life and was deeply troubled by the fact that he was capable of such a despicable behaviour.

But he wasn't all that bad. He HADN'T been with her for the sex (which was great, btw., that woman could bend like a pretzel and was amazingly responsive, not to mention generous), but had honestly thought he was ready for a relationship with her.

He wasn't the type to go around, having casual sex or one-night-stands with random women, he wasn't that shallow nor that irresponsible. Aside from all the problems such behaviour could cause, for his private life as well as for his career, it was also too dangerous, medically. Not even condoms are 100 percent safe and with all the STD's out there...

And if he did catch something and he somehow got wounded and was helped by someone wounded as well, or would be helping them, and his blood would get into that person's bloodstream... Then the infected medic would operate on someone else and infect them. And their patient would infect someone else. With a right set of circumstances most of the base could fall ill with HIV or other STDs. And those infected members who had sexual partners would've infected them as well. And those partners would infect others...

And Anubis or Ba'al would just have to come at the wrong moment when the base was infected and could not launch a defence and the humanity would be overwhelmed, either destroyed or enslaved.

One night stands and casual sexual relationships were thus not only dangerous to him, but also to others at the SGC and even indirectly to Earth and most, if not all, SGC members were extremely careful about that and were encouraged to avoid one-night-stands and have their partners have STD tests done.

Hell, the efforts to prevent STDs spreading around the base were also part of the reason why Jack allowed relationships within the same chain of command, if the two involved came to him to ask for permission. All SGC members were constantly having their blood taken and thorough medical exams were constantly being done on them, so hooking up with someone within the SGC was the least risky. That went for both team members as well as civilian contractors and liaisons from other agencies.

Which was why Sam's "It's nothing serious, sir.", sexual relationship with that dumb Detective puzzled him so. Sam had always known the score, what the odds were, how many times they came back all bloody and how many times the doctors had to operate elbow deep in their blood, even in the field. Which was why he couldn't understand how could she endanger not only herself, but also everyone else on the base and even the Earth.

No-strings-attached sex had not been his reason nor goal for entering a relationship with Kerry and he had consciously gone into this with her with the full intention of having a relationship. But even so he'd known there would've been no risks about a sexual relationship with her because she was clean. Otherwise the doctorss would've been obligated to notify him of any health matter and risk. And they had not had a talk to him about Kerry.

Even though he'd been a young man during the flower power, make-love-(aka sex)-not-war era and complete-sexual-freedom-and-utter-lack-of-morals-regarding-sexual-relationships part of the era, it had not taken to him. He'd been born into a strict Irish Catholic family, as had Sara, where they threatened with eternal damnation and Hell for sleeping with someone outside of marriage. He'd had a couple of girlfriends, with whom he'd done the petting and oral thing, but his first sexual experience had been on his and Sara's wedding night.

Sara was from a strict Irish Catholic family too and, while they'd lived according to the morals and regs that religion teaches, it hadn't stuck to them enough to really believe in superior beings or go to church. Even though they no longer believed in a god and were Atheists they had a strong sense for morals, which is also the spirit in which they'd raised their only child.

Which all came down to the fact that Jack was a traditional, in-private-life-strictly-moral man and while he no longer believed in Hell for having sex outside of marriage he would never have one night stands or casual sexual relationships.

He just wasn't wired that way.

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	3. Chapter 3

Okay, just to make double-sure you know what this fic is about.

While this is a fic that is mostly revolving around Jack and Sam's UNresolved relationship (therefore the SJ UST in the summary and pairing), it still ends with Jack and Kerry being together (thus the Jack/Kerry in the summary and pairing line), and not with SJ.

I thought that was clear, but after a couple of responses I realized there's some confusion over this and for that I apologize.

Anyway, to translate how I state pairings, for future knowledge. If there's UST next to the pairing that means that there will be strong hints of that pairing and tension between two characters, but it will only ever stay at unresolved.

But if the pairing stands with nothing next to it, for example Jack/Kerry that means that the fic will end with that pairing.

Heck, I could even call this canon. Why? Because we never received any solid, undeniable proof Jack and Sam got together after Mobius, Jack is in DC, Sam was at first at Area 51 (a long way away from DC), then at SGC and is now on Atlantis (if they are in a relationship, then she'd chosen her career over 'them' yet again, which just spells bad things for that relationship - what man would want to be with the woman what always has, is and always will put him second to her career? Simple: no-one, except perhaps for someone really desperate); while Kerry disappeared from the SGC immediately after Threads, and is quite possibly back at Langley. We know nothing of Jack's canon personal life.

For all we know he went back to Kerry, they got married and have a couple of kids by now...

And personally I can't see anything wrong with that. After all, WHY should he put a hold on his life for so much longer for the woman who'd clearly shown him there is no place for him in her heart anymore, nor any desire and wish for a future with him? Why should he again wait for years for her, while she AGAIN puts her career before him?

While there is a woman who clearly said she loves him (even though the admission was a slip) and wanted a life with him... A woman with whom he was serious enough that she was perfectly comfortable in his house, knew her way around it and they had a relationship serious and advanceds enough for him to let her stay there while he went to work and expected her to still be there when he returned...

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And now it had all turned out a sham, he had realized at the worst time possible that he hadn't moved on from Sam yet.

And, worst of all, he had hurt Kerry.

And now he was sitting here in this observation room with his arm around the cause of all his pain and confusion and didn't know what to think.

Just hours ago Sam had dropped by his house, ruining his quiet BBQ with his girlfriend, for reasons she had failed to completely reveal.

She had not said everything of what she'd obviously meant to say, but had only stuttered about second thoughts, yet ever since then she had acted as if he knew what was going on in her mind.

Like he was supposed to be able to read her mind...

As if he had ever been able to do that...

She had obviously been surprised and uncomfortable at seeing a woman at his house, by finding out like that, but hell, he had no reason to feel guilty for, her way of letting him know hadn't been any better. She had glared at him for being with someone and he remembered that there had also been jealousy in her eyes and her tone of voice, while her behaviour had been that of a jealous wife, even though she by her own decision had no claim on his whatsoever, that time in his office before she'd confronted him about a memorial for Daniel, when she'd interrogated him who he'd been talking to. And the thing was, back then she hadn't even known about his relationship with Kerry.

Before Kerry had come onto the scene during that uncomfortable and weird talk in his backyard Carter had mentioned something about having second thoughts about her marriage to Pete, but what did that have to do with Jack?

Her getting together with someone else and then getting engaged had given Jack to know that all deals were off. She had moved on, had gotten engaged, so why was she still behaving as if nothing had changed, as if there was no third person between them for the past 9 months, as if there was no ring on her finger? Why was she still acting as if she still had some claim on Jack, the claim that she had given up by moving on?

And if by some weird coincidence she really believed her having doubts affected Jack, then she was gonna be unpleasantly surprised.

He knew the saying 'pride comes before a fall', but his pride was all he had left in this wreck of a relationship. He had no leg to stand on anymore and he had no claim on her, so his pride was all that was left.

If Sam expected he would come running to her just because she'd finally decided she wanted him, only 2 weeks before her wedding, that he would forget that she had been the one to decide they'd shove those feelings into that room, having ordered him to do so, and then handle her relationship with Pete around Jack that insensitively, she was gonna be disappointed.

Because there was no way Jack O'Neill would come running just because Sam Carter, or any other woman in fact, had finally decided to stop playing the field and finally wanted him.

Not to mention there was still the fact that he was her CO and this state of affairs would remain that way until he retired, which he didn't plan on doing anytime soon. He'd decided to stick around as long as possible, cover SGC's back and see just how far he could get with his approach.

2 years ago he would've said that for him Leavenworth was more probable than a promotion, but now he was a Brigadier and in a matter of weeks he'd be a Major General, after only a year in rank of Brigadier. Almost a record for the books.

Wonder if he could get up to Air Force's Chief of Staff...

For the first time in his life Jack was finding gratifaction in his career and wasn't about to destroy it for a nebulous chance of something with Carter. If past experience held true he would just end up alone and with nothing.

And if by some weird chance Carter this time really wanted something with him, then she would get to experience on her own skin how it feels to be less important to someone than their career, the knowledge Jack had been living with for the past 3 years, ever since that dam Za'tarc testing, when it came to his relationship with her.

Jack O'Neill would finally do what Jack O'Neill should've done years ago and what he had tried to do with Kerry: move on.

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And the course in which direction he would set sail was made up for him just two days later.

No wonder, it was Daniel who suggested it.

The recently-buffed-up geek actually had good ideas sometimes.

At about 1000 Jack's office door was opened without knocking, to Jack's annoyance, and in came his long-time friend, the newly descended archeologist, plopping down in the seat before Jack's desk.

"Jack."

Jack sighed mentally, it was obvious Daniel wanted to talk, which Jack didn't want to, and therefore responded in the way he knew would annoy the visitor and throw him off his trail.

"Daniel."

Daniel frowned.

"Jack."

"Daniel."

"Jaaackk." it was meant to be a warning, but came across as whining as it did most of the time with Daniel.

Jack matched it perfectly with his own copy. "Danielllll."

Seeing no way to bugger Jack into admitting to anything, not that it ever worked nor had he ever learned, the man could be as closed up as Teal'c, Daniel decided to go for the jugular.

"How are things between you and Sam?"

He had the satisfaction of stunning Jack O'Neill speechless. The topic of Jack and Sam had always had the label of the silent agreement not to mention it stuck to it. They had all been aware of the tension between the military part of the team for years, but had silently agreed not to talk about it. Out of mind, out of heart, or other such crap. Now Daniel had just torn off that label and trampled on it. He was determined to get them to resolve this once and for all, no matter what the conclusion.

It was long since time for this dance to end, even if it meant Jack and Sam would end up on different sides, with different people, never together, for the rest of their lives. The cost of this forced status-quo, of this destructive gravity that obliterated other people and even the duo themselves, was just too high.

"Oh, you know." Jack waved vaguely. "We're still working. Together. On this base. She's still SG-1 CO." he added with a sad note. He missed being in the field and it was a sore spot that the woman he'd loved had pushed him out of his beloved field into that of a bureaucrat, even though he'd recommended her for the position. Then he squinted at his friend. "You sure you have all your memories this time? Perhaps they erased some still?"

"No, Jack, I remember everything." assured the younger man. "Even this time with the Ancients. It was nothing fun, we just sat around a 50's diner all the time, talking."

"Yeah, you like to do that." smirked Jack and Daniel glared at him.

Then the archeologist frowned, pushed up his glasses and frowned again. Yet again Jack had managed to redirect the conversation without Daniel even being aware of it. But this time he wouldn't let go.

"Sooo... You and Sam?" he prodded hopefully.

Jack grunted. "Daniel, she's engaged, for crying out loud! And her dad died just yesterday. And, please remember, I'm still her CO! What do you want me to do, grab her and break every reg in the UCMJ and of the Codex?"

Daniel was quite surprised he'd gotten so much out of Jack and attributed it to emotions running very high during the last few days. Or even months. Everyone has a breaking point, it seemed Jack had reached his and subconsciously wanted to talk about his problem. Daniel would do his best to help his best friend through this and to help him find happiness.

"I came to visit you 4 days ago, Jack, when I was still Ascended. At night."

That was when Jack saw the other shoe drop.

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	4. Chapter 4

I'm starting to think I did a disfavor to myself by posting so many fics at the same time. I can't keep straight which one was posted the last and which one wasn't. So, my apologies for long update intervals.

Just to explain something about the intensity of Jack's hurt and bitterness which you have already noticed: I'm building this on the fact that even though he hides it (not very successfully) and closes off Jack is a person who feels very deeply and is also a king of grudges. He hadn't forgiven, nor forgotten Cromwell even after 8 years and even after the man was dead for leaving Jack behind in Iraq.

Because of their connection, history and feelings he would take what Sam did even worse because it was a deeply personal matter and would no-doubt see it as a betrayal. Even worse, after he'd already resigned himself to living the rest of his life out alone she had then again awaken hope in him for love and happiness in the future, only to squash it with Chimera and Affinity. And we all know what destroying hope for a person does to them. Please also remember the ep 2010: Sam betrayed him personally and then professionally and he never forgave nor forgotten. He left the SGC and retreated to his cabin where he lived in complete isolation for 10 years, cutting off all and every contact with her and the rest of SG-1. He helped her only to undo what she had co-allowed to be done to Earth. The other source I'm drawing what he's feeling is also my personal experience that was exactly identical to Jack's, with the small exception of being in a not-really-defined-yet-committed-and-exclusive relationship for 1 year instead of 6 years. That's why I know what he's feeling and how bitter he would be. Trust me when I say an experience like that makes you very bitter about the person who did that to you. It had taken me a long time to forgive (but not forget) and expecting JACK of all people to do either or both in less than 2 years is completely unrealistic. Besides the fact that he has it rubbed in his face everytime her wedding preparations or Pete are mentioned and when he sees the guy. The only way he could quickly come to the point where he'd forgive her and/or when it wouldn't hurt so much anymore would be a lengthy total discontinuation of any contact that would allow him to move on.

I hope I explained my reasoning sufficiently.

Loved your reviews, please keep them up.

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That stopped Jack short, even his heartbeat. He quickly calculated. 4 days ago, at night. His heart sank.

"You know, huh?"

"Yeah." Daniel nodded.

"Daniel..." Jack started apologetically.

"It's okay, Jack." he cut him off. "I didn't see anything. You two were sleeping and were completely covered. Besides, your love life is not my concern. You'll tell everyone when you're ready." Seeing Jack's frown deepen he quickly assured. "It's no-one's concern, not even Sam's, she doesn't need to know about your private life. Not anymore. She made that choice, by finding someone else, so whatever's going on in your life, who you're seeing, is just your own concern, not anyone else's. But if she wasn't with anyone else then it would've been her concern and she would've had the right to know. I just wanted to say I'm glad you finally found someone. It's about time you have some happiness in your life."

"Carter knows about Kerry." interrupted Jack, stopping Daniel short, still uncomfortable about the fact Daniel had seen him in bed with a woman.

"What?" blinked Daniel.

"Yeah." sighed Jack, running a hand through his hair. "Came by yesterday when Kerry and I were having a BBQ."

"Oh." Daniel was busy processing that. So, Sam knew about Jack and Kerry. That must've gone down well...

Like a rock.

"Yeah. And today..." Jack sighed, he was still having trouble coping with it. It had been unexpected and, he had to admit, it hurt. And he was also missing her. "... Kerry visited me just a couple of hours ago and dumped me."

"Oh?" this time the sound was different. It was more surprised, baffled and definitely shocked. Daniel couldn't imagine the woman who had laid in Jack's arms with such a content, even happy, smile on her face to dump the source of her happiness.

"Yeah, she said I have 'issues'." Jack even made quotations with his fingers.

"She was right." mused Daniel absently, completely missing the glare Jack sent him. "The question now is: are you going to do anything about Sam?"

"Daniel, she's still engaged, if you haven't noticed. Just as she was a week ago. Just as she was with someone else when I got my head sucked for the second time and she wanted to 'talk' on the Tel'tac." growled Jack, completely missing his slip. Daniel hadn't known about that before. Well, he sure did now... "Like hell am I gonna spit into her soup. If she decides to break off her engagement it has to be for her own reasons out of her own will and it definitely must not have anything to do with me."

"Jack..." Daniel tried, but the man cut him off.

"And, don't forget, I'm still her CO, nothing's changed. It never will change... I'm not gonna retire anytime soon and I'll always be her superior at the SGC. And for the first time in my life, I actually like it in the Air Force, I'm actually enjoying my posting. This is the first time the Air Force has put me in the position of being the good guy and it feels great. I don't want to lose that."

Daniel clamped down on his protests at Jack's words. His best friend had just faced him with one of the terrible truths of his own life, the truth Daniel had intentionally ignored in favor of the man who was a good person in essence. Jack's career had been black, literally, until the SGC, it was public knowledge. From what Daniel knew of Black Ops he also knew Jack's statement of between-the-lines of the Air Force always forcing him to be the bad guy was correct. From everything he'd heard, everything he'd read, he knew Black Ops _were_ the bad guys much of the time. If all the literature and documentation on the subject is to be believed their operational zones are mostly continental USA, operating against it's own people. Eliminating security risks and plugging leaks is simply put killing people, sometimes whole families, because there is a chance or suspicion or proof they know too much.

Many accidents that happen to people in the know, or suspected of being in the know, are not accidents at all. A car crash is actually being run off the road, a faulty line is actually arson, botched robbery is actually assassination, a suicide is not really a suicide when the suicidee has hands bound with wire behind his carseat, like that scientist who had worked on the Philadelphia Project and wanted to talk to the writer Berlitz, and so forth. Just as the hit-and-run killing of that reported who'd wanted to blow the story of the SGC hadn't been an accident, but eliminating a security risk. Daniel knew that the NID, CIA, NSA and all other security/intelligence/counter-intelligence agencies, many of them even without names, borrowed military Black Ops for doing their dirty work. Jack had been in the Black Ops. Jack had done such work in the past. They call it 'wet work'.

He knew Current Jack and he'd known the Black Ops Jack (was the only one on the base who had known that Jack) and the last one had always scared the shit out of him.

But the current Jack, the Jack of the last 8 years, was a good person and Daniel had to wonder how, with being a good person and with having been raised by deeply religious Irish Catholic parents, Jack was coping with having done, as he'd put, "so many damn distasteful things" during his previous assignments. It was no wonder the man had woken up from nightmares every night they'd been off-world and Daniel was sure he still did it in the privacy of his own home.

But whatever Jack had done in Black Ops the man had redeemed himself. If not with his actions and deeds with the SGC, then by dying in the worst possible ways, through the cruelest and most painful torture human and alien mind can come up with. Torture that sometimes went on for days before death came. Acid, knives, castration, amputation, decapitation,... all that had been done to Jack by Ba'al. And not only once. Jack himself had admitted he'd lost count of the number and ways he'd died...

Yes, Jack had definitely redeemed himself and deserved not only the chance to be a good guy for once, but to have stars on his shoulder and especially to have happiness in his personal life.

The problem was just that the man himself didn't believe he deserved it.

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	5. Chapter 5

Revised slightly because I'm writing more and decided to add some things.

I'll be going on vacation for a few days tomorrow, so please give me a nice present for when I get back and leave a lot of reviews.

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"I won't give up my job, my career, Daniel, not for the vague uncertainty that Carter will decide her doubts about the wedding are big enough and break it off. Not for the slim chance that she'll decide what she wants is me. I've been career military all my life, the only time I retired I almost went bonzo. I'm not doing that again, Daniel, especially not if there's a chance it will all be in vain. And after she started boffing that buffon, my job is all I have left."

"So what are you going to do?" challenged Daniel "You're just gonna give it up? Throw in the towel? Say 'screw the 8 years you've wasted on the woman' and be a loner?"

He had only meant it as a tool to get Jack to say more, but when the man just continued to look at him with that level gaze, a cold wave swept through Daniel. He had suddenly realized that was exactly what Jack was planning.

"Don't tell me you're giving up on happiness with a woman, Jack." Daniel gasped horrified. "You're not a loser. Losers give up! You're a fighter! Fighters fight! Fighters always find another way, another battle, a reason to live."

"I'm not giving up, I'm just conceding defeat in a fight I was never meant to win. I'm conducting a strategic retreat to a new defensive line." Jack replied firmly and ignored his friend's snort. "I'm too old to be starting over for the 4th time, Daniel, I have to face the fact that what I had with Sara is all I was meant to have in this life. I had hoped to have a new lease on life with Kerry after Sara and Carter, but that didn't work out either."

"What was Kerry to you, anyway?" inquired Daniel "Was she just a warm body to snuggle up with, a body to relieve your basic urges with? Or was she something more?" He knew the answer, he just wanted to hear Jack say it, to acknowledge it. He wanted Jack to admit it to himself and outloud.

"What do you think, Daniel?" growled Jack, but then subsided. After a minute he started reluctantly, after so many years of solitude sharing his feelings was even harder than before. But the situation was too far gone and he knew he needed to share his burden or collapse from the weight of it. And with his responsibilities to the world not sharing it would be selfish and irresponsible. "She was more. I really thought we had a chance, that I had a chance for happiness. I really thought I had it all together, but then Kerry takes one look at Carter and I together and calls it quits. And now, after only a few hours, I'm realizing I'm already missing her. Looking back now I see that we moved too fast, she was living with me within weeks, but I was just so pathetically grateful to have a woman who loved me and had no qualms about giving me that love that I was drunk with it and simply lost my head. But, even though I lost control of myself and let it continue too fast it wasn't an affair, it was a relationship. I wanted it all with her, Kerry, I just didn't know I wasn't over Carter yet and so I hurt the one person I swore to myself I never would."

Daniel thought about it and decided to give his friend an advice. A brutally honest and painful advice, but there was no easy way out of this. Either Jack gets a hurtful truth and has then a chance for happiness, or he doesn't and ends up alone and miserable. Sam wasn't obviously going to wait for the man, even if the wedding to Shanahan wouldn't happen, she had obviously moved on from Jack and would find some other man to warm her bed, yet again not Jack.

"What you need to do is get over Sam and find someone better for you." he caught the look Jack was giving him. "Don't misunderstand me, Sam is my friend, but I'm honest with myself that she never made you really happy, the way she could've had she wanted to, she only ever made you sad and miserable, longing for what you couldn't have, for what she wouldn't give you. I know I wasn't there for the second Za'tarc testing, but Janet told me about it. I know Sam ordered you to keep it in the room and you followed her order."

"I did." Jack admitted. "But I thought there would come a time where we would take it out of the room and try for a life together. And then she got herself Shanahan..."

He paused.

"Don't misunderstand me, Daniel, I've forgiven Carter for that because I know I never had any kind of hold on her and I don't blame her for going out to look for someone else. Well, at least not anymore. Okay, not that much anyway. What I do hold against her and can't forgive her for is the way with which she did it and the way she told me about it. She could've at least given me some fore-warning, met me privately and told me that she's voiding the silent agreement I thought we had of waiting for each other. Considering what we had that was the least I deserved - the decency of her to tell me in private before she went out to look elsewhere and started dating that moron. And not tell me by humming in the goddamn elevator!" shouted Jack and slammed his fist on the table. It was a testament to how he was hurting that he'd said so much. Much more than he'd ever shared.

Daniel winced at how Sam had told Jack. It was a definitely very insensitive way of telling a person you know has feelings for you that you found someone else, it's like rubbing their face into the fact that you got laid last night.

"Then what you need to do is to move on, Jack. You've already admitted to yourself that it would never work with her, that's a big step."

Swallowing he continued, ignoring the truth that by trying to make his best friend happy he would make Sam angry at him. He didn't know if the consequence of what he would say would make her miserable, since she'd always kept her feelings closer to the chest than anyone else he knew, but there was enough evidence to say there were no more romantic feelings for Jack there that would break her heart if he moved on. You don't get engaged to someone if you love someone else. And if there were... And if you do go to someone else when loving one person, then you obviously don't love that person much. Actually, both, the fiancee and that other man. Because then you wouldn't do that to either of them.

But the reason why he suspected Sam would be angry at him for telling Jack this was because he knew Sam considered Jack her fallback guy, the second choice, the safe bet, the one to go to when she screwed up with everyone else, the one to settle for and that because she had always been smugly confident that Jack would be there waiting for her if she screwed up with everyone else.

It had never been Jack who had kept them apart, it had always been her.

Sam had no problems, no mental or emotional blocks that were preventing her from finding happiness elsewhere, while Jack did have them and thus Daniel knew he had to make Jack tear those blockades down, otherwise Jack would never be able to be happy because he would never be able to move on from Sam and find happiness with some other woman. A woman more receptive and appreciative of his feelings for her than Sam had ever been.

"I love Sam, she's like a sister to me. But, even with that, I can't escape the truth that when it came to deciding on how and whether to proceed with a relationship between you two it's always been just about her needs, her wants, your needs or wants were never of any consequence at all. When she decided that you have to keep it in that iso room it had been she who had decided that, without even asking for input from you. What you felt or wanted or needed didn't matter to her. The only thing that mattered to her was what she wanted and her career. You were never among the top 5 on her list of things and people who's opinion or wants mattered or were actually important to her personally. So she ordered you to forget it and then never spoke about it again. I've watched you go through so much, sometimes together, but most of the time apart and secretly I've always hoped you two would get it right one day and find happiness together. But then Sam hooked up with that clown and you just sat there like a bump on a log. I was really disappointed in you, Jack. I know you followed her orders, but damnit when did you take off your balls and give them to a woman!? Tell me that, Jack! You've become one of those guys, those spineless creatures who allow their women to trample all over them, in whos relationship the woman has all the say and I gotta say, Jack, with that most of the men on the base, me and Teal'c included, lost a lot of respect for you. There's a difference between loving a woman and being her lap dog, her doormat. Even in relationship, while in love with a woman, you still have to keep your pride, your spine and your balls."

Hammering the final nail into this coffin he concluded. "What you need to do is to get back your balls and put them back on and be a man again. Sam is my friend, but you're my best friend so your happiness is more important to me than her wishes. You and I were friends even before she knew I existed and likewise. What you need to do is move on, let go of her and the hold she has on you and, when you're ready, you need to go to Kerry and see if she's willing to give you a second chance."

Jack looked at him dubiously, still a little overwhelmed by the truth in Daniel's words.

And through all these years he'd been patiently waiting for her to decide she finally wanted a relationship with him, unknowing that day would never come.

It hadn't been Sam waiting for Jack, but it had always been Jack waiting for Sam. He'd put his feelings for her on his sleeve, told her in his own way that he loved her and, after she'd told him to keep it in the room, he'd patiently and silently waited for the time she'd decide to take it out of that room, instead of going to Hammond and talk to him about the situation, ask the man for permission to have a relationship with his own 2IC. While he'd still been on the team and until she had "told" him (if one could call it that) about Pete, he'd always been ready and willing to retire, if there would be no other choice, he'd just needed a good reason to retire for, a guarantee that he wouldn't just end up alone and with nothing, but Sam had never given him even a little sign that she wanted anything with him, so he'd never talked to Hammond and never did anything about his feelings for her.

Before Hammond had reactivated him the unbearable loneliness and guilt had been the reason why he'd many times ended his evenings with the muzzle of his service weapon in his mouth, trying to psyche himself up to pulling the trigger.

He'd never managed it and after Sam's hooking up and later engagement to Pete, he'd regretted that lack of courage many times. Had he known that he would continue living just to experience that kind of pain and betrayal back then he was sure he would've pulled the trigger and prevented going through it. But now he was too high up the food chain, too many people depended on him, Earth depended on him, that's why he could no longer consider blowing his brains out. Even if he didn't see a reason for living past keeping Earth safe.

When he'd realized that nothing would ever come out of his unrequited love for the blonde his priorities had changed, his career was all he had left, and then he had slowly tried to move on. Granted, it had taken him months before he'd been capable of starting anything with another woman, but he had tried. And failed miserably, hurting a good woman in the process. A woman who had given him her heart and trust and who had believed he had given it to her too.

But, if what Daniel was telling him was the truth, then he just may get a second chance...

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	6. Chapter 6

Well, those of you who read "One Normal Evening" already know that I'm back, but those of you who don't: I'm back!

Well, obviously, since I'm updating this thing...

I would like to thank Yasmine Lupin, Holly, Skycross and LadyMo for your reviews and I hope you like this chapter as well!

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"I saw your faces that night, Jack. Until that moment I have never seen you happy in my entire life and so was she. Even more, I think she's in love with you, cause only a woman who is happily in love can look like that." his voice turned sad then. "Sha're had that expression"

"She did say she could not love... live with my issues." mused Jack, ignoring Daniel's reminisce in order not to sink his friend into sorrow even deeper.

"There, you see?" Daniel brightened up. "The woman is in love with you, you just have to be really ready for a relationship with her and she'll give you a chance."

"You think so?" Jack didn't dare hope.

"I know so! She even said it herself!" Daniel argued passionately.

Jack fell silent and Daniel could see him thinking. "She did say 'love with' at first." he muttered to himself.

Daniel jumped at the chance. "That's a textbook example of a freudian slip."

"Who?" asked Jack.

That threw Daniel off. "What?"

"Who's slip?"

"Freud, Jack." Daniel said impatiently.

"Oh." nodded Jack understandingly. "The guy with the penises."

Okay, that had really thrown Daniel for a loop. "What?"

Then he thought back "Penises?"

"Yeah." nodded Jack. "He blames everything on penises and lack of them. And on parents of course... Shrinks like to do that."

At Daniel's perplexed look he explained. "To blame things on the parents."

"Yeah and he's also the guy who's book you have on the bottom shelf in your office at home, next to Jung, Plato, Nietzsche, Machiavelli, Sun Tzu and others." snarked Daniel.

Cue in startled eyes. "How do you know?"

"You forgot to hide them for our last team night."

"Crap." Jack winced. Might as well give in. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, wanting to know the extent of the damage done. "Do the other two know?"

Daniel rolled his eyes. "Jack, Teal'c has always known you act dumb. He and Cassie saw through it immediately. Well, admittedly I believed that act too for a long time. As for Sam... who knows, given that she always explains things to you in simple terms I can only speculate that she buys it. Besides, she had a date with _him_ that evening and didn't come."

Seeing the subject had deteriorated Daniel thought it best to get it back on-track. "The best thing you can do now is to get away from here, from Sam for a while. You can't get over her if you see her every day..." Daniel thought furiously. "How much leave time do you have stored up?"

"A couple of years..." mumbled Jack.

Daniel snorted, but then stopped and squinted at Jack suspiciously. He rolled his eyes when he read the confirmation in Jack's guilty look. "Take a few months off, Jack, Reynolds can cover for you. The Goa'uld and the Replicators are now finished, you need some time to yourself now. Heal and move on. And when you're healed and ready, find Kerry and ask her for a second chance. But don't beg. If you beg then your relationship will restart with you two being unequal. Because you begged you will automatically have a submissive position. Just be sincere, apologize for hurting her and ask for another chance, but be proud and self-confident. Kerry fell in love with the irreverent, mouthy, determined, caring, proud and confident you, not with a wuss. Be the man she fell in love with, be yourself. If you didn't hurt her too much and she wants an equal relationship then she will gladly take you back even though you didn't beg."

Jack nodded in agreement, seeing logic in his friend's words, then fell silent.

"Funny, isn't it, how life turns?" Jack commented after a few seconds of thoughtfulness. "Had Carter just waited, I would've probably been asking her on our first date right about now. The plan was to wait until the war was over before starting anything. But then she got impatient and wanted it right that second, not caring who gave it to her. Never thought she was that shallow. And now that the war is over, she's with another. And, even if she suddenly broke up with him I don't think I'd want to have a relationship with her now. I don't trust her with my heart anymore, what she did felt too much like a personal betrayal and just hurt too much."

Daniel listened to Jack broken-hearted. He knew Jack had been hurt by Sam's relationship when Daniel had found out about the man (and Daniel considered himself generous to even call him that) when the bozo in question had blown their op, but Jack had perfected that impassive mask so well over the decades that no-one had had a real clue just how much he was hurting. His face gave nothing away, but the people who knew Jack also knew he felt deeply and therefore knew it had hurt him. Even though Jack hadn't let it on, Daniel knew Sam must've known, and had always known, that she had hurt Jack with her betrayal more than even Sara had when she'd left him.

The magnitude of not only a broken heart, but also of a wounded pride and damaged self-esteem, was revealed by Jack's comment that he wouldn't want to be with Sam now, not after what she'd done, even if she broke up with the cop.

"Trust is everything."

And that was the crux of the matter. Trust was everything to Jack, he couldn't have a relationship with a woman if he didn't trust her, either with his heart or trust her fidelity. And Sam had betrayed Jack's trust when she'd decided she didn't want to wait anymore and found someone else to have sex with, without even warning Jack of their promise being null and void.

"Especially in a relationship." Jack then added lowly. His best friend agreed with that.

For a relationship to succeed trust is more important than love, more important than anything. If you don't have trust you don't have anything, no matter how much you two love each other. If two people in love don't trust each other then the relationship is fated to fail, with no chance of recovery.

As strange as it sounds, romantic love is not required for a long-term romantic relationship to succeed. Daniel personally knew of 6 different couples who'd gotten married while being only friends. Neither of those couples had been madly in love with each other when they'd gotten married, they'd just been close friends.

Each of them had been through their share of heartache, failures and disappointment at finding suitable mates, so since they got along well they'd agreed to have a family with each other, in order to avoid even more disappointments while trying to attain that goal with people they'd fall in love with. Or even risk ending up alone for good. It was a safe bet situation, but the thing was that both parties knew it and had agreed to it. None of the parties was in the dark about being the safe bet to their partner.

And all of these 6 couples had a successful relationship, marriage and emotionally and mentally fully healthy and adjusted children. The fact that they had trust went without saying.

Which proves that for a successful relationship love is not the necessary requirement, but trust is. If the relationship is successful and there is love, then the love is there to just sweeten the pot.

"And Kerry still has your trust, she never betrayed it." Daniel said gently.

"But she could." replied Jack pessimistically.

Once bitten twice shy.

"Think about it Jack. Do you really think she would ever break your trust?"

Daniel stared intently into Jack's eyes.

"She wouldn't." Daniel said finally with conviction.

Jack knew Daniel was right.

They sat like that for a while until Jack let out a loud sigh. "Thanks, Daniel."

The man could hear both the dismissal and the sincere gratitude in his friend's voice and rose, knowing Jack had a lot of thinking and planning to do. "Anytime, Jack, anytime. If you need anything, you know where to find me. Take care of yourself and do what is best for _you_ in the long run."

Then he left the office, closing the door softly.

As he was once again alone in his prison of concrete and steel, Jack sighed and dropped his head onto his hands. Looked like he would accept that promotion Hammond had been pestering him with after all...

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	7. Chapter 7

Thank you for your reviews!

Unfortunately there is no way to insert Daniel talking to Sam into this fic, because it would upset the structure of the fic. Besides, the woman has just too much on her plate at the moment.

This is a much longer part, I actually glued two together, so I can get the rest of it posted sooner.

Please keep the reviews coming, for only that way I know what you think of it.

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It would definitely be the best way of solving the problem of seeing Carter every day, what with him being in DC and she in Colorado.

This way he could also do more for the programme than staying at the SGC, besides the fact that this way he would prevent another Bauer taking Hammond's place. Not to mention he would be the one to choose the new CO of SGC.

As genuinely helpful as Kerry had tried to be, even in her own heartache, he knew retiring was out of the question. Kerry was a good, gentle and caring person and he cherished every minute he'd spent with her. She deserved so much better than him, but for some reason she wanted him.

Even if there was a chance for him and Carter to be together, if he even still wanted her, he knew he shouldn't be the one to give up the Air Force.

His job was important, by taking this promotion it would become even more important.

Currently he was the leader of the whole facility, he looked after the staff's backs. The sole fact that he was their CO infused SG every team member with confidence and a feeling of safety, for they knew that if they went MIA he'd make every effort to find and rescue them, he would not leave them behind. They knew that with him in command, they would not be left behind, betrayed, and thus their job performance and morale was overall much higher than it would've been with anyone else behind the helm. He was also a very charismatic personality, the personnel adored him and would gladly follow him to hell and back, because they knew he'd go there with them, for them, himself. As a former team leader he was also intimately familiar with the stresses and details of their jobs, he knew the problems, the issues and the causes. He recognized any problems immediately and was thus able to solve them quicker and more efficiently than anyone else. As good as Reynolds was, if Jack retired, Reynolds would still not be promoted to General and put in command, because he hadn't been in his rank long enough. This would mean someone else, an outsider, possible implant, would be put in charge.

By taking the offered promotion Jack would become the leader of everything to do with secret space operations, except for the NASA (oh, how he looked forward to the day the programme would come out and the NASA geeks and jocks would find out that their equipment and barely-space-worthy vehicles were relics of the past and completely obsolete... He could already imagine the looks on their faces...), namely the SGC, Atlantis, Nellis AFB (aka Area 51 aka Dreamland aka Groom Lake facility), Area S4 in Utah (the place where most of the research into space vehicles now went to after they'd had to close over half of the underground facility at Area 51 after a huge toxic spill), US space fleet and every other command linked to the SGC. He would in fact become the most powerful man in the country. Well, except for Haines, who was the Commander-in-Chief...

On the other hand Carter was just another team leader among 25 others. It had been a year since she'd operated in any significant capacity as a scientist, which is where she truly shined and where her talent was, while her job as a team leader now could be done by anyone else just as competently. Carter was a scientist, not a true soldier like Jack was and not even his grooming her could make her a pure soldier because she was and always would be a scientist and thus a bureaucrat first, so when she'd taken command the nature of the team had changed. She could resign from her place as a team leader and would be immediately replaced by someone as competent as she. If Carter would want to use her talents fully she would become a scientist full-time and to do work as a scientist at the SGC one does not need to be military, so it was clear who should be the one to resign if they'd think about it logically, IF Sam broke up with Pete and Jack gave her a chance. Yet the thing was, Jack knew that Carter would NEVER give up the Air Force, not even for him. After all, had she ever been willing to, wouldn't she have done so already? Especially since she had always known that she was in control of their relationship, the one deciding how far it would and would not go.

He was fully honest with himself that he'd been a pussy, having given a woman his balls and let her have complete control over their relationship and thus his private live. Not anymore though, he'd taken his balls back, put them back to where they belonged. _He_ was now making decisions about his own life, he wasn't letting anyone else do it anymore.

All those alternate realities that he'd taken as a sign of them being meant to be together were in fact a warning for them NOT to get together... he'd namely died in both realities they knew of. And Earth was invaded and ravaged both times.

Hell of a reference for a relationship, huh?

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As much as it hurt to admit it, after having thrown away so many good years of his life waiting for her, he and Carter would never get together.

It had taken him yet another guy she made eyes at and then got it on with, to make him realize that.

Yet the saddest thing of all was the fact that he HAD found a woman who was a good match for him, but had squandered it all away on a smoke of a dream, on an illusion, on the dust of faeries, just because he hadn't gotten over Carter by then yet.

With Kerry he had really struck gold, he knew that now. Just gold? Not just gold. Platinum, diamonds, naquada!

With the way she'd handled her boyfriend's issues and love for another woman she had proven maturity of the highest order, and not just the emotional maturity.

She had proven she was a warm, caring and loving woman, who, even though he'd broken her heart, still loved and valued him so much that she'd tried to help him get together with the woman who held his heart, the only way she knew how: with advice. She hadn't reacted with rage nor anger nor lashed out in hate. Neither had she reacted jealousy like Carter had done the day she'd seen Kerry in Jack's office or all those other times women showed interest in him. Not even when Carter had suddenly shown up during off-duty, private hours in Jack's backyard, obviously not for anything job related, had Kerry reacted with jealousy or suspicion, but had acted as the perfect, welcoming host as she had the right to, living with Jack.

Instead, Kerry had reached out with caring, warmth and love and tried to suggest a way with which he could be happy. With another woman. Such love and selflessness astounded him every time he thought of it.

She was a giving, loving and kind person, in bed a generous lover, and, to make the pie even sweeter, she was highly intelligent and extremely physically attractive. And, something especially uncommon for a CIA agent, and Jack had plenty experience with them, she was honest, fair, open and a good person. He hoped, for her own good, that she'd leave the Agency soon, before they corrupted her and destroyed the good in her. The Agency is to good people what rust is to metal. The Kerry he knew would not survive long in the Agency, either she'd quit or be irreversably changed, by them erasing all those good qualities in her, thus no longer be Kerry. And Jack liked who she was, he adored the good in her and would never want her to change.

True, she was young, at 28 over 10 years younger than Carter, which too must have bugged Carter like hell, Jack realized, since women are sensitive to their ex-es getting together with women younger than they are, and Carter was now almost 40, showing it obviously.

He'd also been surprised by just how _easy_ his and Kerry's relationship had been from the start, how they'd clicked on an emotional as well as the physical level and on the general level of living together.

_That _was what had surprised him. Kerry had, without either of them noticing since they'd been constantly together off-duty anyway, moved in with Jack a couple of weeks after they'd gotten together and it had all been so easy.

He himself had been shocked by how effortlessly he had switched back into the "married" man's persona, or more accurately, into the man living with a woman. He had automatically stopped drinking milk from the bottle, was putting the toilet seat down without being prompted and even squeezed the tooth paste from the end instead of the middle. Meanwhile Kerry respected the honor spot of his Simpons DVDs, his hockey sticks and that he, as any other living breathing male, possessed a couple of videocassettes of porn. Well, she did respect that, she just made those videos redundant with her passion, imagination, willingness to experiment, nimbleness and love for him.

It was amazing how quickly he had adjusted back to having someone else in his house, not just someone, but a woman, it was as if his years of bachelorhood had disappeared.

It was like they were soulmates, they'd simply clicked.

More than that, they'd clicked so well and so immediately that just within days it had been as if they'd been married for decades, they were just so in tune and had worked out so many agreements and arrangements without even having to work them out with discussions in those days.

It had plainly shown him what he'd been missing for the last 8 years and what he didn't have to miss anymore since he had it again.

And the best of all: Kerry knew ALL about what he did for a living, she knew everything about his job, he didn't have to hide anything, their relationship wasn't based on lies, nor on hiding, they had no secrets, they were completely open and could easily ask the other when they came home "How was your day?" and tell truthfully. Kerry had come to the knowledge of the SGC honestly, well as honestly as anyone employed by the CIA can, which admittedly isn't a very good reference, and it was definitely not by running illegal background checks, stalking Jack, abusing her powers, pulling favors and then get approved to know only after having seen things she shouldn't have in the first place and had almost gotten others killed in the process, botching a stakeot with a stupid, negligent move.

Yes, Kerry really was the right one for him, but until now he'd just been too stupid and too blind to realize it.

Not anymore, though, now he knew what he'd had and what he wanted, which was exactly what he'd had, and was prepared to do everything it took to get it back and have it for as long as he lived.

Look out, world, Jack O'Neill was on a mission!

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	8. Chapter 8

I'm sorry for the long waits between chapters, I hope the length of this one makes up for it. There is only one more plus epilogue left.

Please leave a review. Reviews make me update sooner, lots of reviews would mean an update this week already. It takes just two clicks and one word is enough ('thanks', 'more', 'update',....)...

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10 MONTHS LATER

WASHINGTON DC

It's been 10 long months since he'd last seen the woman in front of who's door he was now hesitating. Shortly after his transfer to DC, Kerry had also been promoted and transferred to Pentagon, something he privately took as a sign. The last 10 months had been long, hard and lonely, but he was now certain that he was in the right place emotionally and mentally for what he was about to do.

So, here he was now, knocking on the wooden door of the apartment, listening to the shuffling sounds inside.

The door opened and the beautiful woman he'd been missing terribly for so long was staring at him, her red curls mussed up in the way he loved and her lovely eyes wide.

"General O'Neill!" she breathed surprised.

"Jack." he corrected gently, indicating a personal tone to his visit.

Her eyes widened even more.

"Jack." she confirmed, nodding slowly.

He grinned, only a sliver of the roguish grin that had stolen her heart. Finally realizing they were still standing in the doorway she opened the door wider and beckoned him in. "Come in."

He followed her into the living room, looking appreciatively at the furnishings. The woman had taste, the memory of just how much lovelier she'd made his little house still burning in his mind.

She directed him to take a seat on the couch and prompted. "Beer?"

"Great, thanks." he nodded, smiling tensely.

She brought him a cold beer, a Guiness, he noticed with a raised eyebrow to which she just blushed, since Guiness was his favorite brewery and he knew she didn't drink beer. Jack took a couple of swigs, after which he just fiddled with it. After the initial surprise Kerry had collected herself and was now polite, but reserved, not willing to risk her heart anymore. It hurt him to see it, because it was his fault for her need to protect herself from him.

After a minute of silence Kerry couldn't take it anymore. "Why are you here?"

Jack smiled briefly. Kerry didn't like to beat around the bush, which was just one of the things he loved about her.

"Oh, it's such a fine day" it was raining outside "and I thought I'd just drop by and see how you're doing."

Kerry smirked, reading him like a book "Drop the bullshit, Jack, I know you never go anywhere without some damn good reason. We've both been in DC for 10 months and this is the first time you visit."

He grimaced, secretly thrilled she still cared enough to be keeping tabs on him, and took a deep breath, letting it out. He clenched his fists not to see just how much his hands were trembling from nerves.

Locking eyes with her, the intensity in his brown orbs startled her.

"I came to apologize..."

"Jack..." she cut him off, growing uncomfortable and bolted out of her armchair, crossing the room to the window in a few steps.

"Please." that one word stopped her protests, making her turn around. "I need to say this. I should've done it a long time ago."

After a brief thought she nodded, giving him permission.

"I'm sorry, Kerry. I'm sorry for hurting you, for leading you on, for making you believe we had a future together when my heart still belonged to another."

The pain came back into her eyes, the pain he'd first seen after Carter had dropped by his house and Kerry had realized what was going on, and Jack hated himself for introducing Kerry to that kind of pain. He knew that pain personally all too well and didn't want to cause it in someone else. Yet, he had and that made him feel like shit all over again.

"I know you don't have a reason to believe me, but it wasn't done intentionally. I didn't even know I was doing it. Hell, I always believed myself incapable of doing that, yet I did it."

Searching his eyes deeply she found only sincerety and self-recriminations in his warm brown gaze. After a brief hesitation she nodded, taking his apology. Jack exhaled secretly, yet knew full well the fight hadn't been won yet.

"I had a lot of time to think over the past 10 months and I did that. Think, that is. And, no, it didn't hurt." he mock glared at her when he saw her mouth open briefly to make the smart-ass remark "I've come to a few conclusions. Do you know what they were?"

Kerry shrugged, but he still plowed on.

"I made a mistake. I had us go too fast when we should've gone slower. For that I blame no-one but myself. But after 9 years of solitude I was lonely and I craved for what you were willing to give me. I got drunk on your love, took more than was right and with that I did something I never wanted to do. I know I hurt you terribly, if anyone knows how you feel then I do, but I'm still here now, wiser, issue-free and asking you to give me a second chance."

"It didn't work out?" she wanted to know. She loved the man dearly, even after so many months, every morning she woke up and immediately reached to the other side of the bed for him. Everytime she discovered he wasn't there, that she was still lonely, that he was probably with the blonde Colonel, her heart broke anew. She spent every morning crying. But no matter how much she loved him or missed him, she'd never concede to being the consolation prize, second choice, fallback girl. Safe bet.

She and Jack were amazingly similar.

"We didn't even try."

His quiet statement shocked her. They hadn't even tried?

"Why not?" she breathed.

"I realized I was pining for the wrong woman. While I used and hurt the right one, in the end running her off."

She could barely breathe now, his voice and face were so serious as if he was announcing to the world all life on Earth would end within minutes.

"Jack..."

He continued, not hearing her. "A friend of mine helped me see what I needed to do. The Carter I know now is not the same Carter I fell in love with. I had to heal and move on. It took time, but I moved on. I'm here to ask you for another chance."

Kerry again forgot how to breathe.

"I know I don't deserve it after what I did to you, hell, if I were you I would throw me out of the apartment, but I'm still hoping you'll give this old fool the chance to redeem himself and show you how much he loves you and how much he wants a life with you."

Kerry didn't answer at first, he honestly hadn't expected her to answer immediately. Her eyes refused to focus on his and with a slow gait she ambled over to an armchair on the other side of the room, dropped into it and drew her knees to her chest, staring in front of her without seeing anything.

Jack waited for the answer with a baited breath, knowing it could make him unimaginably happy or destroy him for good.

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	9. Chapter 9

Sorry for the wait, but RL conspired again. I hope you like this part, thanks for your reviews and please keep them up!

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"I'm not sure I can trust you with my heart again." she said after what seemed like an eternity.

"I know." Jack's voice was fully of guilt, pain and understanding.

Her head then turned to him, her eyes glossy, as she whispered "But I want to."

The anxiety in Jack's face lessened a little, replaced by cautious optimism, mixed with uncertainty "You sure?"

Her nod was a sharp one "I'm sure." finally her eyes settled on his and regained focus. "You hurt me more than anyone ever before, partly because I believed you never would." she ignored the guilt reappearing on his face, she needed to say her piece first "But the few weeks we had together were the best time of my life, bar none. These last ten months without you were torture. I want those good times back and I want more of them and I'm sure that the potential outcome is worth the risk. But only if you're really sure there's no-one else there anymore."

Jack nodded slowly, knowing full well there was no-one else but this amazing young woman for him anymore. "There's no-one but you."

Who would've thought he'd end up tying his life with that of a woman only 2 years older than Jennifer Hailey, a woman he'd thought way too young when he'd realized her crush for him...

When a tear broke so did he and moving swiftly and surely he took Kerry into his embrace.

She hid her face in the crook of his shoulder and soon he could feel a dampness on his neck. In response he just held her closer.

"We'll go slow." Jack murmured, running a soothing hand up and down her back.

"Okay." she nodded into his shoulder.

"Well, not too slow, I don't have so many years ahead of me anymore and don't want to lose too much time." Jack winced and by the way Kerry looked uncomfortable he knew it wasn't something she liked to think about. Not the part about him being so much older, but the fact they'd only be together for 30 years if they were really lucky.

While she was sure Jack wouldn't favourably react to a suggestion to have himself cloned and his consciousness transferred into that new body to extend his life expectancy, but the next time they'd hear from the Asgard she'd ask him to have Thor give his body at least an overhaul. Jack was a good man and Earth needed him too much just to lose him so soon. But frankly, Kerry didn't care whether Earth needed him or not, her motivations were purely selfish because _she _needed him and wanted him to be there as long as possible.

"Yeah." she nodded.

In the end, even Jack's love for Kerry couldn't fight against his usual discomfort when it came to emotions and comforting weepy women, so he gently let go of her.

She looked up and he brought both hands to cup her cheeks and wipe the tears away with his thumbs.

"What do you say to a date tomorrow night?" his voice was gruff, but Kerry knew it was only because he was trying to cope with his own emotions.

The reaction was instinctive. Her face widened into a smile and her eyes finally had that bright sparkle back into them, the sparkle that had been missing for months. "Would love to."

Jack smiled one of his slow smiles "Great, I'll pick you up at 1900."

He knew they both needed some time to themselves now, to process the new changes and get used to the new state of their lives.

Their previous relationship had been all about easy and unspoken, no promises of a future, just going with the flow; but this time it was opposite. With their words, with Jack's promise to never hurt her again, they'd started a completely different relationship than before, one based on commitment, on a promise for a future together, a promise to each other, a much more adult, official relationship, clearly outlined, with solid sides and a clear direction.

Even though she felt bereft when he let go of her and turned to the door, Kerry knew they both needed time to reconcile with their new lives as an official couple and say goodbye to their old lives as single people.

Then he seemed to remember something and turned around, his hand already on the doorknob. For a moment he hesitated, unsure whether saying it would bring more unneeded pressure on their relationship or do it a favor by defining it more, this time outloud, with no misconceptions and with no way for either to not know what it was about and where it was headed.

"Hey, Kerry."

"Yeah?" she looked up.

"Uhm..." she saw his face frown and she knew he was trying to ask her something important, heavy. Finally he seemed to decide on the words. "How do you feel about twins?"

The spirit of the question didn't surprise her, she knew Jack had been married and had had a child, and after having ended up alone and lonely, without any family, she knew he would be yearning to have that kind of happiness again. Inwardly she shook her head at the stupidity of the blond Lt Col for never having snatched this man off the market even though she had so many chances and opportunities, but having put her career ahead of him for so long, for 8 whole years.

On the other hand... ' Her loss is my gain. If she had snatched him up, he wouldn't be mine now.'

She grinned at him and purred seductively. "Get me pregnant with them and I'll tell you."

He took it as a favourable idea and grinned back. "Okay." then, realizing he'd misworded. "Well, not right now, but soon."

She nodded still grining, knowing they'd just made a big break-through. They'd just discussed their future in firmer terms, the future of their relationship and acknowledged they both wanted the same destination.

"Good." she fired back "I'm looking forward to it."

It looked like Jack wanted to ask her what she was looking forward to, either being pregnant with their children or the future the pregnancy was a symbol of. He was sure it was the last option, but when he caught her unconsciously running a hand over her flat belly with a wistful expression on her lovely face, he knew she'd been talking about both. That only made him grin harder. Because of his job he'd missed most of Sara's pregnancy and he was looking forward to seeing it in it's entirety with Kerry and to be with her from start to finish, besides to watching Kerry grow large with their children. Maybe he was weird, but the mental image of Kerry large with his unborn children did wonderful things to his libido. It was a primal thing, he decided.

"Me too." he grinned roguishly "Especially the part about making them."

With that he disappeared out the door, leaving her grinning foolishly.

On the other side of the door, nothing could wipe that grin off Jack's face for the rest of the day.

Not even politicians.

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	10. Epilogue

Okay, this is the epilogue so many have asked for. This has been re-written too many times to count and I hope you like this final product. It has a bit of Sam-bashing, but more in the way of her regretting her past choices and actions in regards to Jack and the way she handled him and her relationship.

I've noticed last chapters of fics get very little feedback, so please make my day and review.

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ONE YEAR LATER

SGC

The meeting finally broke up and Jack turned to Mitchell, looking at his successor with approval "You do good work, Mitchell, keep it up and you'll be in line for an eagle very soon."

The man beamed at the high praise "Thank you, sir!"

Seeing his chance to finally talk to his old friend, Daniel moved in, while in the corner a lone blond female waited for the chance to catch the object of her interest in private.

She'd had a lot to think about since the General had left her life 2 years ago.

It was the fact that she'd been getting a lot less attention from men this last year than in the previous years that had made her look at her entire life seriously. Sure, her career was as good as it'd been while SG-1 had still been in it's original form, but privately she was a loser. Two broken engagements, several dead suitors, some by her own hand, and one man who had been supposed to be a reserve, the safe bet, had left the town, putting distance between them. And now she was getting older, losing her physical appeal and attention from other men to top it off.

Looking around her, she could see everyone had someone, except for herself. Cameron had Vala and vice versa, Daniel had recently gotten together with Sarah Gardner, Teal'c and Ishta were an item, hell even Walter was married and had kids!

On the other hand, for her the pool of alien lovers and off-world Romeos had completely dried up and, because she'd held him at bay for just too long, she'd also lost her fallback guy. It was quite an unpleasant shock when she'd realized some months ago that she was now completely alone and, to make matters worse, it was only by her own fault.

But today it was like gods... er... Goa'uld had smiled down upon her. This was her chance, she just had to wait for Daniel to clear away.

10 minutes later she finally saw her chance and was about 5 feet away from him, nearing from 6 o'clock, when she was thwarted by the small Sergeant. Growling softly in frustration she backed away.

"General, sir, you have a phone call. Line 2, you can take it on that phone." he pointed to the phone sitting on the conference table.

"Thanks, Walter." Jack nodded and picked up the phone, while Sam looked on with disappointment. She'd again have to wait.

"Yeah, O'Neill here." the soft living in DC hadn't made him soft, he still had the commanding presence and the authorative voice that had everyone present stiffen unconsciously.

To the surprise of everyone in the conference room his face did soften, become gentle and a small smile grew on his face.

"Yeah... uh huh.... no, sorry, can't do that... okay, _that _I can do...." then, realizing others were paying him a very close attention, he turned and walked to a corner. Carter strained her ears and could've sworn she'd heard something like "Love you too." before he hung up the phone and returned to the table. She'd had to misunderstood that. There was no-one else Jack was supposed to say those words to except for Samantha Carter!

Daniel was of course the first one broken by his curiosity.

"Who was on the phone?" he practically demanded, interrogating his old friend.

The answer wasn't something either of them had expected.

Jack smiled that slow, mysterious smile that had almost driven Sam crazy over it's meaning after the time loops. The smile that spoke ' I know something you don't '.

"Oh, that was just my wife calling to remind me to be on time for the Lamaze classes for our twins tomorrow."

The sudden silence was like an explosion inside the small room. It was like time had stopped. Even Walter had frozen mid-step leaving the room.

"Your... wife...?" stammered Sam, her face drained of all color.

Cam and Vala looked at each other confused "I didn't know you were married, General?" ventured Vala.

"Why were we not informed?" accused Teal'c.

Jack looked at him meaningfully "Because you were too busy to pick up the phone and call me back whenever I left one of my messages."

The tone of Jack's voice revealed he knew they hadn't been that busy.

The guilt in Teal'c's eyes told the story of him now facing the horror of what he and Sam had done.

They'd done what Jack would've never done to them: they'd abandoned him, they'd left Jack behind.

They'd left their own behind.

They didn't know it, since that future had been averted, but it had not been the first time they'd done that.

The tense silence was broken by the new leader of SG-1.

"Congratulations, sir." wished Mitchell astounded. His best wishes were echoed by Vala, who of course did it much more jubilantely. Cam, knowing the woman whom he was slowly, but surely, entering a relationship with, quickly reached out and grasped her waist, to hold her still. He'd seen the twitch of her body and was sure the older man would not appreciate being hugged or something like that. He didn't look the touchy-feely sort of person, while Vala definitely was. Either that or she was a damn good actress.

Cameron also privately feared Vala wouldn't be able to resist the call and would grab the chance and try to pick-pocket the General, if for nothing else then to at least try to maintain her skill and Cam knew it would all somehow end up with _him _being courts-martialled. But unfortunately that's all part of the package of falling for an ex-thief.

"Thanks, Colonel, Vala." Jack thanked.

"My felicitations upon your nuptials, O'Neill." Teal'c nodded regally and Jack sent him a grateful look and a friendly pat on a massive shoulder.

"Thanks, buddy."

Nodding in confusion Daniel pushed up his glasses "Yeah, congrats, Jack."

"Yeah, congratulations, sir." Sam added faintly when she realized they were all staring expectantly at her. Inside she was screaming in rage, betrayal and disappointment.

"Do we know the lady in question, sir?" wanted Cam to know, sending odd looks at his silent 2IC.

Jack fidgeted, hoping for something to busy his hands with "Uh, not most of you, no. She was the CIA liaison here for a brief time before she transferred to DC. Her name is... er... her name _was_ Kerry Johnson."

Sam felt like she'd just been sucker-punched '_ KERRY!? '_

"How come you don't look so surprised, Jackson?" Cam eyed Daniel suspiciously.

Vala accused him with her eyes "Yes, Darling, why do you look so guilty?"

Now he had Sam's and Teal'c's attention too.

"Uh... because...." he stammered and then finally managed to get out "because I was Jack's best man."

His guilt worsened when Sam's wounded, betrayed eyes focused on him. She felt like she'd just been stabbed in the back. How could he have collaborated in this atrocity!?

Numb with distress she watched as Jack, uncomfortable with the emotional atmosphere, turned to the rest of the men "What do you say, gentlemen and ladies, to beer at O'Malley's?"

Receiving affirmative answers he led the group to the door, then pausing when he realized Sam was still standing there.

"Coming, Carter?"

"Will be there in a minute, sir." she assured and watched as the man she had thought was her safe bet left the room with others, now more far away than ever before. What was worse, before he'd been unreachable due to her own decision to keep him at an arm's length, but now he was married, she'd lost him for good.

It hadn't been Jack keeping them apart, but it had been she.

She'd happily gone off with other men, smugly confident he'd just sit and wait while she was fooling around with them, content to be used as a second choice, as an open option, in case her roaming around bore no fruit.

She'd been living in some childish fantasy world with stupid romantic ideas that when she was ready to settle for him, the man, Jack, was supposed to give up his career for her, add yet another sacrifice for her at her altar, that she yet again wouldn't have to give up anything, compromise for anyone. After all, SHE was the one that OTHERS gave things up, compromised for.

She'd been dumb and stupid. How could she have expected he'd hold on for eternity without any sign from her at all that she wanted him? How could she have expected he'd read her mind, give up his job and play Mr Mom while she pranced around the universe like a single woman without a responsibility in the world? Isn't that what her vision of the future had been? Leave the kids with Jack and then go to another galaxy, not giving up active duty, not even dialling it back a bit?

Only now was she realizing she should never have expected of him to give up his career, instead she should've offered to give up hers had she wanted to keep him.

So the stalemate she'd created had dragged on for end, surviving through ups and downs, through her weekly suitors and Romeos, alien and human.

And then he'd gone and thrown her for a loop by finding someone else. But only for a loop, because she'd soon found out Kerry had left him. And, when he'd gone to DC, Sam had been comforted knowing how much he hated that city, knowing he'd be alone there, eagerly waiting for her to finally, finally after so many years and so many rejections, to grace herself down off her pedestal to his peasant-level and grace him with the honor and privilege of being her safe bet.

Yet all her ideas had fallen through with the simple, but earth-shattering truth.

Jack had moved on in DC and married another woman. To rub the salt in after having realized she was getting old and losing attention from men, a much younger woman. Kerry, which made it even so much worse and so much more permanent. She knew how Jack was about relationships and if he'd gone back to Kerry after he'd been transferred to DC, if they'd been able to work through the ruins of their previous relationship and build a new one, one strong enough to get married and start a family, then all was lost for Sam Carter.

Through the years, she'd purposely kept herself out of his reach just enough to keep him interested.

But now... now _he_ was out of _her _reach and this time it was for good. And she had no-one to blame but herself.

Had she had a symbiote she was sure it would be laughing hysterically right about now.

THE END

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